♪ ♪
>> Bill: THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, FOLKS.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THAT IS A WONDERFUL GREETING, I
APPRECIATE THAT.
I KNOW, YOU'RE ON TV.
I WANT YOU TO KNOW, I'M HERE ON
PURPOSE.
ALSO I WANT YOU TO KNOW, WE
ANNOUNCED WE WERE DOING THE SHOW
ONLY THREE WEEKS AGO HERE IN
OKLAHOMA, SINCE THEN, SCOTT
PRUITT GOT CANNED.
AND MEDICAL MARIJUANA GOT
LEGALIZED.
WHAT CAN I SAY?
I DO WHAT I CAN, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN.
YES, MEDICAL MARIJUANA HERE IN
OKLAHOMA AND YOUR GOVERNOR SAID
IT WOULD OPEN THE DOOR TO
RECREATIONAL USE.
YES, YES IT WILL.
WE ARE COUNTING ON THAT.
I WANTED TO COME, I LOVE THE RED
STATES, I REALLY DO.
I WANTED TO COME HERE BECAUSE
FIRST OF ALL I MEAN THIS IN THE
BEST POSSIBLE WAY, I MISS NORMAL
SO MUCH.
I MISS SENSIBLE MIDDLE OF THE
COUNTRY LIBERALS SO MUCH.
I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING FOR A
BORING PRESIDENT, A PRESIDENT
WHO BOARD TO MY BALLS OFF EVERY
DAY.
I WAKE UP EVERY DAY I LOOK AT
THE PHONE THROUGH ONE I WHAT DID
THE PATIENT DO TODAY.
I FEEL LIKE I'M BINGE WATCHING
THE WORST TELEVISION SHOW IN
HISTORY, THEY COME UP TO ME, DO
YOU SEE WHAT HE DID TODAY?
I'M LIKE I'M STILL ON THE
EPISODE WHERE HE FUCKED THE PORN
STAR.
THIS IS WHY I ALWAYS TRY TO
IMPRESS SO MUCH ON THE YOUNGER
PEOPLE HAVE DIFFERENT -- WHERE
ARE MY MILLENNIALS BY THE WAY?
WOW.
ALWAYS IN THE BACK BECAUSE THEY
HAVE NO MONEY.
I'M FUCKING WITH YOU, I LOVE YOU
BECAUSE THESE ARE THE GOOD
MILLENNIALS.
THEY CAME TO SEE ME AND THEY
MUST KNOW THIS IS NOT A SAFE
SPACE.
EVERYONE HERE IS WELCOME, TRUMP
PEOPLE ARE HERE AMONGST US AND
THEY ARE WELCOME, I MEAN THAT.
I MADE THAT, THIS IS A COUNTRY,
NOT AN APARTMENT WE CAN'T
DIVIDED DOWN THE MIDDLE, WE HAVE
TO LEARN TO LIVE TOGETHER.
YOU TRULY ARE WELCOME AND IT HAS
BEEN IMPRESSED ON ME THAT IT
DOESN'T HELP TO CALL YOUR
POLITICAL ADVERSARIES DUMB.
SO I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT.
BUT EASILY CONNED, CAN WE SAY
THAT?
NOT EXACTLY DETAIL PEOPLE.
TAKE SOMETHING LIKE THE
AFFORDABLE CARE ACT.
POLLS TELL US THAT TRUMP PEOPLE
HATE OBAMACARE WHAT THEY LIKE
THE AFFORDABLE CARE ACT.
WHAT DID TRUMP TELL THEM?
I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU WAY
BETTER, WAY CHEAPER, AND COVER
EVERYBODY.
YOU'RE GOING TO WANT TO GET SICK
JUST TO USE THIS HEALTH CARE
PLAN.
WAY BETTER, WAY CHEAPER, AND
COVER EVERYBODY AND YOU BOUGHT
THAT?
SEE WHAT I MEAN ABOUT A CON MAN?
I KNEW THIS WAS HAPPENING ON THE
FIRST DAY, REMEMBER WHEN HE SAW
MULTITUDES THAT DID NOT EXIST?
REMEMBER AT THE INAUGURATION, IT
WAS BAD ENOUGH WHEN REPUBLICANS
DIDN'T BELIEVE IN CLIMATE CHANGE
BUT COUNTING?
COUNTING IS SETTLED SCIENCE, I'M
NOT GOING TO BUDGE ON THAT.
THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU
ELECT A MALIGNANT NARCISSIST AS
PRESIDENT.
HE CANNOT IMAGINE A REALITY THAT
DOESN'T MATCH HIS PERCEPTIONS.
THAT WAS THE MOST PEOPLE HE EVER
SAW IN ONE PLACE, SO IT MUST BE
THE MOST PEOPLE WHO EVER
GATHERED ANYWHERE.
THAT'S WHY HE THINKS HE HAS A
BIG DICK.
IT'S THE BIGGEST ONE HE HAS.
ALTHOUGH HONESTLY, DOESN'T
EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS MAN JUST
SCREAM MICRO DICK?
THE BRAGGING AND THE BUILDINGS
WITH MY NAME ON IT, AT THE
DEBATES, HE WAS TALKING ABOUT
HIS DICK AT THE DEBATES, THAT
GUY IS PRESIDENT.
REMEMBER THAT?
THERE IS NO PROBLEM, I GUARANTEE
THERE IS NO PROBLEM.
I THINK THERE'S A PROBLEM.
I THINK THERE'S A VERY BIG
PROBLEM, I THINK THAT'S THE
WHOLE PROBLEM.
I THINK THIS IS A MAN WHO HAS
NEVER BROUGHT A WOMAN TO ORGASM.
IF HE EVEN BELIEVES SUCH A THING
EXISTS.
IT'S RIGGED.
THE FUNGI IN
VAGINA HAS BEEN VR
TO ME, I SAY THAT VERY STRONGLY.
VERY STRONGLY.
I'M GOING TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK
ATTACK.
I TALKED TO TRUMP PEOPLE, THEY
AREN'T BLIND TO HIS FLAWS.
YOU ASK WHAT YOU LIKE ABOUT THE
GUY?
THEY ALWAYS SAY THE SAME THING,
HE'S STRONG, ALPHA, REAL MAN.
WHO ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
HE'S ALWAYS BLAMING EVERYBODY
ELSE, COMPLAINING.
HE NEVER TAKES RESPONSIBILITY.
"I INHERITED A MESS GOOD" YOU
INHERITED MILLIONS OF DOLLARS
YOU WHINY LITTLE BITCH.
THANK YOU, I WILL BE DOING ALL
OF MY GREATEST HITS TONIGHT.
EVEN WHEN HE GOES TO A DISASTER
ZONE, REMEMBER THAT?
THAT'S ALL ABOUT HIM.
REMEMBER THE HURRICANES?
WE ARE GETTING VERY HIGH MARKS.
"EVERYONE FLOATING BY US AS WERE
A FANTASTIC JOB."
WHAT PRESIDENT EVER NEEDED TO
HAVE THESE EMERGENCY FLATTERY
MEETINGS, HAVE YOU SEEN THIS
WHERE THEY CALLED THE CABINET
TOGETHER THEY GO AROUND THE
ROOM, "YOU SHINE WITH THE LIGHT
OF A THOUSAND SUNS, MY SIRE.
"NOW THE SECRETARY OF LABOR
WOULD LIKE TO SAY.
THERE'S THAT CONGRESSWOMAN FROM
TENNESSEE WHO MADE THAT SPEECH
IN FRONT OF TRUMP, SHE SAID
MR. PRESIDENT, THANK YOU FOR
LETTING US HAVE YOU AS OUR
PRESIDENT.
LETTING US HAVE YOU?
JESUS, DON'T GET ANY IN YOUR
HAIR.
LETTING US HAVE YOU?
I GUESS WE FORGOT, THE PRESIDENT
IS SUPPOSED TO LIFT US UP, NOT
THE OTHER WAY AROUND.
BUT WE ARE IN THE OTHER WAY
AROUND.
WHO HAS RALLIES AFTER THE
ELECTION IS OVER?
ONLY THIS PSYCHOPATH BECAUSE HE
GETS BLUE, HE SEES SOMETHING ON
TV HE DOESN'T LIKE, GET ME 9,000
DROOLING IDIOTS IN AN AIRPLANE
HANGAR IN TUSCALOOSA, ALABAMA,
STAT.
IS RALLIES...
HE DID ONE THE OTHER DAY.
HE LIES A LOT ANYWAY, HE TAKES
GREAT PRIDE IN THE FACT THAT HE
DOES NOT USE A TELEPROMPTER.
HE DOESN'T WANT TO INSULT HIS
BASE BY READING.
THE SHIT THAT COMES OUT OF HIS
MOUTH AT THESE RALLIES,
FACT-CHECKERS ARE CARRIED OUT ON
STRETCHERS, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN.
I'M NOT GOING TO MAKE IT TO THE
END OF THIS SHOW TALKING ABOUT
THIS ASSHOLE.
PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS TRYING TO CALM
ME DOWN, THEY'RE LIKE OH COME
ON, BILL, YOU'RE EXAGGERATING,
WE'VE HAD PRESIDENTS WHO DIDN'T
KNOW MUCH.
WE HAVE HAD THAT, WE'VE HAD
PRESIDENTS WHO DIDN'T KNOW MUCH.
RONALD REAGAN THOUGHT THE COAT
RACK WAS BARBARA STANWYCK.
KIDS, USE YOUR GOOGLE TO FIND
OUT WHO BARBARA STANWYCK IS.
LOOK UP COAT RACK WHILE YOU'RE
IN THERE COME UP WITH BECAUSE
THAT'S PROBABLY NOT A THING
ANYMORE EITHER.
WE'VE HAD DUMB MASS PRESIDENTS
BUT WE'VE NEVER HAD ONE SO
AGGRESSIVELY STUPID.
WHO TAKES PRIDE THAT YOU CANNOT
GET INFORMATION INTO HIS HEAD,
WE DON'T KNOW HOW HE GETS
INFORMATION ALTHOUGH IT'S
ENTIRELY POSSIBLE SEAN HANNITY
BLOWS IT DIRECTLY UP HIS ASS.
HE TAKES PRIDE NO MATTER HOW
MANY TIMES YOU TELL HIM THINGS
HE WILL INSIST THAT THE STEALTH
BOMBER IS LITERALLY INVISIBLE.
OR THERE IS SUCH A THING AS
CLEAN COAL OR GLOBAL WARMING IS
A HOAX BECAUSE IT SNOWS IN THE
WINTER.
IT'S LIKE SAYING THE PSALM ISN'T
REAL BECAUSE LAST NIGHT IT GOT
DARK.
REMEMBER JIM INHOFE WITH THE
SNOWBALL?
YOU'VE GOT SOME REAL BEAUTIES
HERE, I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU PUT
UP WITH THEM BUT THERE IS SOME
REAL ASSHOLE POLITICIANS IN THIS
STATE.
DOWN THE LINE.
THE SADDEST THING ABOUT TRUMP,
HE DOESN'T WANT TO CHANGE.
HE SAID MANY TIMES, I COULD BE
PRESIDENTIAL.
IN HIS FIRST PRESS CONFERENCE HE
SAID I AM ME.
THANKS, TARZAN.
EVEN MELANIA, YOUR ENGLISH IS
NOT TOO, DADDY.
OH, MELANIA, I LIKE HER, COME ON
ON.
SHE'S THE GOOD KIND OF IMMIGRANT
IMMIGRANT.
THE KIND THAT DOES THE JOBS
AMERICANS JUST DON'T WANT TO DO.
LIKE BLOWING AND FUCKING
DONALD TRUMP.
I DO FEEL BAD FOR HER HAVING TO
LIVE THROUGH THIS SCANDAL WITH
THE PORN STAR, THIS HE SAID, SHE
SAID THING THAT'S GOING ON.
BUT WHO ARE YOU GOING TO
BELIEVE, THE FAKE BLONDE WITH
BIG TITS, OR STORMY DANIELS?
DID YOU SEE THAT THE
EVANGELICALS, ANY EVANGELICALS
HERE, YOU'RE WELCOME TOO.
I KNOW YOU'RE HERE.
YOU'RE WELCOME TOO.
DID YOU SEE THEY GAVE HIM A
MULLIGAN ON STORMY DANIELS?
HE COULD FUCK CHARLIE DANIELS,
THEY DON'T CARE.
I THOUGHT WHAT WAS SO
INTERESTING IS WHEN TRUMP GOT IN
TROUBLE THE FIRST TIME, REMEMBER
THE HOLLYWOOD ACCESS TAPE A
MONTH BEFORE THE ELECTION, WHO
CAME TO HIS AID?
IT WAS THE TWO CHRISTIANS.
IT WAS THE TWO SUPER CHRISTIANS
IN HIS ADMINISTRATION MIKE PENCE
AND JEFF SESSIONS, YOU KNOW THE
PEOPLE THEY START EVERY DEBATE
WITH I'M A CHRISTIAN.
LIKE WHY EVEN HAVE THIS ARGUMENT
ARGUMENT, I WIN AUTOMATICALLY.
I BELIEVE IN AN INTELLECTUALLY
EMBARRASSING BRONZE AGE MYTH.
BOOM.
MIKE DROP.
THEY ASKED JEFF SESSIONS TWO
DAYS AFTER THE TAPE CAME OUT,
YOU'RE A SENATOR, THE GUY WHO
WANTS TO BE PRESIDENT JUST SAID
HE ADMITTED TO GRABBING WOMEN'S
VAGINAS IS THAT NOT
SEXUAL ASSAULT?
AND JEFF SESSIONS SAID
AND I'M QUOTING DIRECTLY, THAT
IS EXACTLY WHAT HE SAID.
THE REPORTER PERSISTED AND SAID
HE GRABS PUSSIES.
UP JEFF SESSIONS AND SAID "IT'S
NOT CLEAR HOW THAT WOULD OCCUR.
"IT'S A TOTALLY MATTER OF
CIRCUMSTANCE.
WHAT IF YOU SAW A PUSSY ABOUT TO
FALL OFF A CLIFF, WOULDN'T YOU
WANT TO BE ABLE TO GRAB THAT
PUSSY WITHOUT A LOT OF
POLITICALLY CORRECT RED TAPE
GETTING IN THE WAY?
I THINK YOU WOULD.
THERE IS NO SHAME IN THEIR GAME,
THESE PEOPLE.
IF WE ARE EVER GOING TO WIN AN
ELECTION, WE HAVE TO BUDDY UP TO
THAT IDEA.
NO SHAME.
I HAVE A LOT OF PERSPECTIVE ON
REPUBLICANS, I NEVER REALLY WAS
A REPUBLICAN VOTER, I WAS SO
SCARED MITT ROMNEY WAS GOING TO
BE A PRESIDENT I GAVE OBAMA A
MILLION BUCKS.
I WOULD GLADLY GIVE ROMNEY A
MILLION DOLLARS TOMORROW IF HE
WOULD TAKE OVER AMERICA.
I WOULD SLEEP LIKE A BABY.
I WOULD BECOME A MORMON, I WILL.
I WOULD DO THAT FOR MY COUNTRY,
I WOULD BECOME A MORMON, I WILL
WEAR THE MAGIC UNDERWEAR, I WILL
VISIT PLANET COLE LAUB, I WILL
BAPTIZE DEAD PEOPLE.
WHAT A STUPID RELIGION THAT ONE
IS.
THEY ARE ALL STUPID BUT
JESUS CHRIST -- WHAT KISSES ME
OFF ARE THESE NEW RELIGIONS.
THE CHRISTIANS AND THE MUSLIMS
AND THE, THEY GET GRANDFATHERED
IN, RIGHT?
THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF YEARS OLD
BEFORE THE AGE OF SCIENCE,
MORMONS ARE 1820, YOU KNEW
BETTER AND THAT SCIENTOLOGISTS
AND SEVENTH-DAY ADVENTISTS.
THIS IS AWESOME, I HAVE TO TELL
YOU I USED TO BE A LONELY
PIONEER OUT THERE ON THE ATHEIST
TRAILS.
AND NOW?
IT'S LIKE ANAL, EVERYONE'S DOING
IT.
RELIGION NUMBERS ARE DOWN ACROSS
THE BOARD AND YOU WONDER WHY.
YOU SAW THEY WERE TRYING TO USE
THE BIBLE TO JUSTIFY SEPARATING
CHILDREN FROM THEIR PARENTS AT
THE BORDER.
SO I HOPE YOU WILL AGREE WITH ME
THAT ABOVE ALL THINGS IN THIS
WORLD, WHAT NEEDS SCRUTINY AND
CRITICISM IS RELIGION.
AND THAT MEANS ALL OF THEM.
ALL OF THEM.
THIS RIDICULOUS FETISH I SING OF
ISLAM ON THE PART OF SO MANY
LIBERALS HAS GOT TO STOP.
IT'S A RELIGION, LIKE ALL
RELIGIONS, ANTIQUATED AND
DANGEROUS.
THAT ONE IS MORE FUNDAMENTALIST
WHICH IS NOT A COMPLIMENT.
IT IS TRUMP'S MUSLIM MAN A GOOD
IDEA?
OF COURSE NOT.
IT'S COUNTERPRODUCTIVE, IT'S
UNNECESSARY, IT'S UN-AMERICAN,
IT'S BIGOTED.
BUT WHAT IS THE LIBERAL ANSWER
TO THIS ISSUE?
APPARENTLY IT'S JUST YELLING
ISLAM A PHOBIA WHEN ANYBODY
CRITICIZES THE RELIGION.
I CAN'T CRITICIZE A RELIGION?
HAVE WE MET?
I'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS ALREADY
WITH THE CATHOLICS.
THEY WERE THE ONES TRYING TO GET
ME THROWN OFF TV TEN, 12 YEARS
AGO.
WILLIAM DONOHUE THE HEAD OF THE
CATHOLIC LEAGUE WITH HIS LETTER
WRITING CAMPAIGNS AT ONE POINT
WANTED TO FIGHT ME.
FIGHT ME AS JESUS WOULD HAVE
WANTED I'M SURE, 250-YEAR-OLD
MAN IN A PARKING LOT WITH OUR
SHORT SLEEVES ROLLED UP.
FIGHT ME.
I WOULD SAY IT "BILL, I'M NOT
ANTICATHOLIC, I'M ANTI-CHILD
FUCKING.
YOUR ORGANIZATION HAS BEEN
CAUGHT DOING A LOT OF THAT, THAT
DOESN'T MAKE ME A BAD GUY.
I'M NOT ANTI-MUSLIM, I'M
ANTI-MISOGYNY.
I THOUGHT FEMINISM WAS A THING
WITH LIBERALS."
I'M AGAINST IT WHEN THEY THROW A
TARP OVER A WOMAN LIKE SHE'S A
MOTORBOAT.
HAVE YOU EVER TRIED ONE OF THOSE
ON?
IT'S STIFLING.
PART OF THE REASON WHY THEY DO
THAT IS SO THE MEN DON'T HAVE TO
BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR
ERECTIONS.
LET ME SAY THAT AGAIN.
THE MEN MAKE THE WOMEN WALK
AROUND ALL DAY IN A VOTING BOOTH
SO THEY DON'T HAVE TO BE
RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR ERECTIONS.
YOUR MOVE,
I'M NOT ANTI-ANY PEOPLE, I'M
ANTI-TERRORIZING HOMOSEXUALS.
I THOUGHT THAT WAS A LIBERAL
THING.
I SAW A COLLEGE KID ON CAMPUS
WITH A T-SHIRT THAT SAID QUEERS
AGAINST ISLAMOPHOBIA.
I WANTED TO SAY TO HIM WHERE
THAT SHIRT IN PAKISTAN AND SEE
IF ANYBODY READS DOWN THE
CLEAREST PART.
NO PROTECTED SPECIES IN AMERICA,
WE HAVE FREE SPEECH HERE.
ALL JOKES ARE UNFAIR TO A DEGREE
DEGREE.
THINGS STICK A MOTHER NOT ALWAYS
TOTALLY TRUE BUT WE ALWAYS SUCK
IT UP AND LAUGH.
THAT'S EVERYBODY.
IF SOMETHING HAPPENS IN GERMANY,
EVERY COMEDIAN MAKES A NAZI
JOKE, GERMANY DOESN'T HAVE A LOT
OF THEM ANYMORE.
HERE, YES.
WE HAVE THE NAZIS HERE.
THAT'S HOW IT IS, IF YOU ARE
FRENCH YOU ALWAYS SURRENDER.
IF YOU'RE A SUPERMODEL, YOU
ALWAYS THROW UP YOUR LUNCH, IF
YOU'RE A REDNECK YOU ALWAYS FUCK
YOUR SISTER.
TO CLOSE?
SORRY.
NOTHING IS FUNNY PEOPLE CANNOT
WIN.
THINGS ARE BAD ENOUGH, WE HAVE
TO LAUGH.
AND THE SNOWFLAKES KEEP WANTING
TO MOVE THE GOALPOSTS ON WHAT
CAN BE FUNNY.
NOW THEY ARE ON THIS THING WHERE
IF SOMETHING IN A JOKE EVEN
REMINDS YOU OF SOMETHING THAT'S
SAD, NO GOOD.
WELL...
FUCK THAT.
MY ANSWER TO THAT IS MEL BROOKS
WHAT HITLER IN A MUSICAL.
SPRINGTIME FOR HITLER.
IF I TRIED REAL HARD I THINK I
COULD CONNECT THAT TO SOMETHING
SAID THAT I DON'T BECAUSE WE
CHOOSE TO LAUGH.
WE CHOOSE TO LAUGH, NOT BECAUSE
IT'S EASY, BUT BECAUSE IT'S HARD
HARD.
THAT'S MY JFK.
WHEN I WAS YOUNGER, WE NEVER HAD
TERMS LIKE MICRO AGGRESSIONS.
MICRO AGGRESSIONS AND SAFE
SPACES AND TRIGGER WARNINGS.
I'M NOT A MARINE OR ANYTHING BUT
WHY DID EVERYBODY GET SO FRAGILE
ABOUT FREE SPEECH ZONES?
YOU MEAN AMERICA?
LIBERALS CAN BE THE WORST ON
THIS, WE SHOULD OWN THE
FIRST AMENDMENT THE WAY THE
CONSERVATIVES ON THE SECOND.
BUT WE DON'T.
WE GAVE IT UP.
I HAD THE HONOR OF MY LIFE -- I
THOUGHT IT WAS.
FOUR YEARS AGO WHEN BERKELEY ON
THE 50TH ANNIVERSARY OF THE FREE
SPEECH MOVEMENT ON THE BERKELEY
CAMPUS INVITED ME TO BE THE
KEYNOTE SPEAKER AT THE
GRADUATION.
WEIGHT.
AND THEN I WAS UNINVITED BECAUSE
THEY GOT WIND I MIGHT SPEAK
FREELY.
THEY DON'T TEACH IRONY ON CAMPUS
ANYMORE IS MY GUESS.
CAMPUSES ARE A LITTLE OUT OF
CONTROL, WOULD YOU NOT AGREE?
THREE COLLEGES LAST YEAR HAD TO
CANCEL PRODUCTIONS OF THE VAGINA
MONOLOGUES BECAUSE THEY WEREN'T
SENSITIVE ENOUGH TO WOMEN WHO
DON'T HAVE A VAGINA.
THEY EXIST, CAITLYN JENNER I
BELIEVE IS A WOMAN WHO STILL HAS
A DICK.
WHATEVER IT IS, I SUPPORT HER,
OKAY?
IF SHE CUT IT OFF, I SAY GOOD
CHOICE!
GOOD RIDDANCE TO THAT FUCKING
THING, IT'S NOTHING BUT TROUBLE,
I SEE IT LIKE THE TONSILS OR THE
APPENDIX OR SOMETHING.
I HARP ON THIS STUFF BECAUSE
DEMOCRATS I THINK WE CAN ALL
AGREE CANNOT AFFORD TO BLOW
ANYMORE ELECTIONS.
THIS KIND OF SHIT IS ONE REASON
WHY JUST THE NAME DEMOCRAT IS SO
TOXIC IN STATES LIKE THIS, AND
ABOUT 25 OTHERS WERE ANYBODY
OTHER THAN A DEMOCRAT CAN WIN.
WE'VE GOT TO CHANGE THAT.
AND THE WAY YOU DO IT, DROP THE
PC BULLSHIT.
ALSO, GET A MESSAGE.
GET A CANDIDATE THAT PEOPLE
LIKE, I LIKED HILARY BUT SHE
COULDN'T FILL THE FUNCTION ROOM
AT THE OLIVE GARDEN.
MEANWHILE THERE WAS A
74-YEAR-OLD MAN GETTING 20,000
PEOPLE TO COME OUT AND SEE HIM.
YES, BERNIE.
BERNIE SANDERS.
IN THIS AGE WHERE EVERYTHING IS
FAKE NEWS AND PEOPLE DON'T READ
THE NEWS ANYWAY, THEY DON'T KNOW
WHAT'S GOING ON, THE COIN OF THE
REALM, WHAT PEOPLE LATCH ONTO
HIS AUTHENTICITY.
NOT MANY HAVE REAL AUTHENTICITY.
BERNIE SANDERS DID.
HE ALWAYS LOOKED LIKE A GUY WHO
WORKED IN A LITTLE OFFICE WHERE
THE ROOF LEAKED.
"I FINISHED MY SOUP, THREE
TIMES."
AND YOU KNOW IF HE BECAME
PRESIDENT, NOTHING WOULD HAVE
CHANGED.
HE'D WALK INTO THE OVAL OFFICE,
HE'D BE LOOKING FOR SOMETHING ON
HIS DESK IT WOULD BE A MESS.
"I'VE GOT A SYSTEM, IT'S IN HERE
SOMEWHERE."
HALF OF AN EGG SALAD SANDWICH
DOWN THERE AND A CAT.
THE QUEEN WOULD COME FOR A STATE
VISIT, HE WOULD HAVE TO MOVE
BOXES OFF THE COUCH.
"DARLING, SIT, DARLING!
IT'S OUR BUSY SEASON!
WOULD YOU LIKE HALF OF AN EGG
SALAD SANDWICH?
"THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE WANT.
THE OTHER GUY WHO HAD
AUTHENTICITY, I WILL GIVE HIM
THAT.
DONALD TRUMP IS AUTHENTICALLY A
DUES
DUES BAG DUES BAG FROM QUEENS.
HE DOESN'T WANT TO HIDE IT, IT
WORKS FOR HIM.
HE IS LIKE ONE OF US, HE'S A
REAL AMERICAN.
HE'S FAT, HE EATS SHIT, HE PLAYS
WITH HIS PHONE ALL DAY AND ALL
NIGHT.
WHAT IS WITH THE 3:00 A.M. BITCH
TWEETING?
WHAT IS GOING ON AT 3:00 A.M.?
IS THAT A POOP TWEET?
IS THAT WHEN THE METAMUCIL KICKS
IN?
IS THAT HOW HE GETS TO SLEEP?
THAT WOULD BE REALLY SICK
BECAUSE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO
SOMETHING CALM AND BEFORE YOU GO
TO BED AND HIS TWEETS AT
3:00 A.M., "YOU'RE LOSING,
YOU'RE A DISASTER, I HATE YOU."
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO SOMETHING
CALL MEGAN MEDITATIVE, I
JERK OFF.
NOTICE I HAD TO SWITCH THE MIC
HAND, JUST TO
A SIMULATED
APPARENTLY, THAT'S HOW SERIOUS I
AM ABOUT MASTURBATION.
I MUST TELL YOU FOLKS, YOU'RE A
BEAUTIFUL CROWD.
I'M GOING TO SHARE THIS WITH YOU
YOU.
I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU AS A
COMEDIAN I'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT
MASTURBATION ON STAGE FOR A LONG
TIME.
THE LAST YEAR, THE FIRST TIME IN
MY LIFE, I HAVE TO SPELL IT
OUT -- I WAS ALONE.
I JUST ASSUMED EVERYBODY KNEW
MASTURBATION YOU WERE ALONE.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?
I USED TO SAY I DON'T UNDERSTAND
WOMEN, I DON'T UNDERSTAND MEN.
MASTURBATING IN FRONT OF
SOMEBODY?
I CAN'T P IN FRONT OF SOMEBODY.
WHEN THAT THIS TREND TO START?
WHAT MOVE IS THIS?
THE DATE DIDN'T GO QUITE THE WAY
I WANTED TO BUT SHE'S IN THE
ROOM, I'M GOING TO TAKE MY DICK
OUT, SO I KIND OF GOT LAID?
IT'S LIKE A GAME HE ENGULFED?
GIMME IN GOLF.
I HOPE WOMEN KNOW THERE ARE A
LOT OF MEN WHO ARE VERY HAPPY
FOR YOU THAT THIS RECKONING
FINALLY CAME ABOUT.
THAT YOUR LIVES WILL ALWAYS BE
BETTER FOR IT, IT'S TRUE.
I ALWAYS HATED BULLIES.
BULLIES OF ANY KIND.
SEXUAL HARASSMENT, IS JUST A
PARTICULARLY ODIOUS KIND OF
BULLYING AND ITS GREAT ALL MEN,
NOT JUST THE RICH AND FAMOUS
ANYMORE, EVERY MAN IS ON NOTICE.
YOU'RE PLAYING WITH FIVE FOULS.
BUT I MUST TELL YOU I TOOK A
LITTLE INFORMAL POLL RECENTLY
AND THE PENIS IS STILL POPULAR.
THE PENIS HAS DONE SOME VERY BAD
THINGS, VERY BAD THINGS,
TERRIBLE THINGS.
BUT LADIES, YOU STILL WANT SOME
DICK EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE,
DON'T YOU?
WE WANT TO BE PART OF THE
SOLUTION AND WE NEED TO BE PART
OF THE SOLUTION THAT'S WHAT I
SAY ABOUT THE PENIS, MENDED,
DON'T END IT.
GOT EVERYBODY A LITTLE SLACK
BECAUSE THE ROMANCE GAME IS A
LITTLE TOUCHY, IT'S NOT EXACTLY
ALWAYS EASY TO DEFINE.
PASSION AND POLITICAL
CORRECTNESS ARE NOT NATURAL
ALLIES.
NO ONE IN BED WANTS TO HEAR
"WHO'S YOUR COEQUAL PARTNER?"
NOBODY, RIGHT?
LIBERALS HAVE THE HIGH GROUND ON
THIS ISSUE, LET'S NOT VEER OFF
AS LIBERALS SO OFTEN DO INTO
THAT WEIRD PLACE WHERE WE LOOK
RIDICULOUS.
OKAY?
IT'S ALREADY HAPPENED.
MATT DAMON FAMOUSLY SAID I THINK
WE CAN ALL AGREE THAT THERE'S A
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A PAT ON THE
ASS AND RATE, THERE WAS A BIG
LIBERAL BACKLASH, NO WE DON'T
AGREE WITH THAT.
THIS IS ONE REASON WHY WE LOSE
ELECTIONS.
THIS IS ONE REASON.
IN 2016, THE DEMOCRATS AND
REPUBLICANS PLAYED A LITTLE GAME
OF CHICKEN WITH EACH OTHER.
AND THE DEMOCRATS SAID TO
REPUBLICANS, YOU CANNOT BE SO
STUPID AS TO VOTE FOR
DONALD TRUMP.
AND THEY SAID DON'T EVER TELL US
HOW STUPID WE CAN BE.
BUT, THEY HAD A PRETTY GOOD
ANSWER WHICH WAS WE GET THAT
COME UP DONALD TRUMP IS CRAZY
BUT IF YOU THINK WHAT MATT DAMON
SAID IS THE LEAST BIT
CONTROVERSIAL OR IF YOU THINK
THE VAGINA MONOLOGUES IS
INSUFFICIENTLY FEMINIST OR YOU
THINK ISLAM HAS NOTHING TO DO
WITH ISLAMIC TERRORISM, OR YOU
LOSE YOUR SHIT 18 WHITE GIRL
DRESSES UP AS POCAHONTAS ON
HALLOWEEN, THEN YOU'RE CRAZY TOO
AND WE CAN'T TRUST YOUR
JUDGMENT.
AND THAT SHIT HAS TO STOP.
WE CAN'T AFFORD THAT SHIT
ANYMORE.
I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING,
DONALD TRUMP IS RIGHT ABOUT ONE
THING.
THE ELECTIONS IN THIS COUNTRY
ARE RIGGED EXCEPT THEY ARE
RIGGED AGAINST US.
GERRYMANDERING, VOTER
SUPPRESSION, THE ELECTORAL
COLLEGE, PUTIN COUNTING THE
VOTES.
THIS THING IN PRESIDENTIAL
ELECTIONS WHERE WE WIN THE MOST
VOTES AND THEY GET TO BE
PRESIDENT, THAT'S GOT TO STOP.
AL GORE WON BY 500,000 VOTES AND
DIDN'T BECOME PRESIDENT, HILLARY
WON BY 3 MILLION.
EVEN KIM JONG UN IS LIKE THAT'S
FUCKED UP.
THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT HE SOUNDS
LIKE, THAT IS A DEAD ON
KIM JONG UN.
I STILL HAVE REPUBLICANS COMING
ON MY SHOW, WE DON'T KNOW IF IT
AFFECTED THE ELECTION.
DON'T KNOW IF IT AFFECTED THE
ELECTION?
DOES CHRIS CHRISTIE EAT OVER THE
SINK?
DURING THE CAMPAIGN,
DONALD TRUMP'S -- HE HAS TWO
GROWN SONS, DUES BAG DUES
DOUCN
FUCK FACE.
DONNIE DICK FACE GETS THIS EMAIL
THAT SAYS WE HAVE DIRT ON
HILLARY, SIGNED RUSSIA.
AND HE EMAILS BACK, "I LOVE IT."
IT'S GAME OVER THERE, ISN'T IT?
IF YOU SEND ME AN EMAIL THAT
SAYS I
I HAVE SOME FANTASTIC
KIDDIE PORN AND I EMAILED BACK
"I LOVE IT."
, I THINK THAT'S WHEN I KNOCK
K
ON YOUR DOOR.
THEIR SHAMELESSNESS IS SO
ASTOUNDING, THE WAY THEY WILL
TELL A LIE AND BEFORE THE NEXT
NEWS CYCLE THEY WILL HAVE A
COMPLETELY NEW LYING AND DON'T
APOLOGIZE FOR THE LAST ONE, THEY
WILL BE LIKE THERE WAS NO
MEETING, OKAY THERE WAS A
MEETING.
NO RUSSIANS, OKAY THERE WERE ONE
RUSSIANS, SORRY I MISSED SPOKE,
THREE RUSSIANS, FIVE RUSSIANS
WERE AT THE MEETING AND THAT IS,
EIGHT RUSSIANS.
THERE WERE EIGHT RUSSIANS AT THE
MEETING.
AND THE BALLET.
AND DR. ZHIVAGO AND THE CREW OF
THE RED OCTOBER.
YOU WOULD HAVE TO HOLD A MEETING
IN A STEAM ROOM TO HAVE MORE
RUSSIANS INVOLVED.
OKAY, WE HAD A MEETING BUT IT
WAS JUST ABOUT ADOPTIONS.
YES, WE ARE ALL BIG FANS OF
ANNIE, IT WAS JUST ABOUT
ADOPTIONS.
WE DIDN'T TALK ABOUT THE
ELECTION.
ALL RIGHT WE TALKED ABOUT THE
ELECTION.
ALL RIGHT, NO COLLUSION.
OKAY THERE WAS POLLUTION.
BUT NO CRIMINAL COLLUSION.
OKAY CRIMINAL COLLUSION BUT THIS
IT REALLY SUCH A CRIME?
THAT'S WHERE THEY ARE, THAT'S
WITH A WHOLE REPUBLICAN PARTY
IS.
IS IT REALLY SUCH A CRIME TO
COMMIT A CRIME?
THEY ARE ON THE SIDE OF CRIME.
THAT'S THE WHOLE PARTY, THE
WHOLE PARTY.
IT'S NOT JUST THE CLOWN, IT'S
THE CIRCUS, DON'T FORGET THAT.
DONALD TRUMP COULD NOT BE WHERE
HE IS WITHOUT ALL OF HIS
ENABLERS.
I HAVE GIVEN UP ASKING THE
QUESTION WHAT HAS TO HAPPEN
BEFORE THEY GIVE UP -- NOTHING.
DONALD TRUMP COULD TWEET TONIGHT
OBAMA IS HIDING UNDER MY BED.
AND ON MONDAY SARAH HUCKABEE
SANDERS WOULD SAY MANY
PRESIDENTS HAVE HAD THEIR
PREDECESSORS HIDE UNDER THEIR
BEDS.
MARTIN VAN BUREN WAS UNDER
WILLIAM HENRY HARRISON'S BED FOR
TWO YEARS FROM 1837 TO 1839.
GROVER CLEVELAND WAS UNDER THE
BED.
OF ALL THE ENABLERS THAT GET
UNDER MY SKIN, THE ONE I HATE
THE MOST, MIKE PENCE.
SUPER CHRISTIAN.
MONITORS ALL OF DONALD TRUMP'S
SLIME BECAUSE HE LOOKS SO
CHRISTIAN.
HE'S BEYOND CHRISTIAN, LIFE
BEGINS AT DIRECTION.
ERECTION.
HE LIVES BY SOMETHING THEY CALL
THE BILLY GRAHAM RULE, HE WILL
NEVER GO TO ANY FUNCTION, PARTY,
WHERE THERE IS ALCOHOL BEING
SERVED IF HIS WIFE IS NOT WITH
HIM.
WHY?
BECAUSE THE OTHER CHICKS WOULD
BUM
IT WOULD BE LIKE TUPAC AND 95.
THEY WOULD BE BLOWING HIM ON THE
DANCE FLOOR.
I JUST WANT TO SAY, THIS IS
IMPORTANT.
I'M NEVER GOING TO BE THE
COMEDIAN WHO STOPS THE SHOW AND
THIS IS SERIOUS, BUT THIS IS
SERIOUS.
A SMALL LIGHTING CHANGE, PERFECT
PERFECT.
WHEN I TOOK THE S.A.T.s, I
DON'T KNOW IF THEY STILL HAVE
THIS QUESTION, THERE WAS A
SECTION CALLED CHOOSE THE BEST
ANSWER, THERE WERE NEVER AN
ANSWER THAT FITS PERFECTLY, THEY
WERE TRYING TO TEACH YOU
SOMETHING, SOMETIMES THERE ISN'T
A PERFECT ANSWER YOU CHOOSE THE
BEST ANSWER.
WHEN PEOPLE SAY MIKE PENCE WOULD
BE WORSE, I IMPLORE YOU TO
RECONSIDER THAT.
MIKE PENCE IS THE KIND OF
LOATHSOME CHRISTIAN HYPOCRITE
THAT IF I DIDN'T HATE RELIGION
ALREADY, I WOULD START.
BUT MIKE PENCE IS NOT TRYING TO
BECOME A DICTATOR.
MIKE PENCE DOES NOT TALK ABOUT
LOCKING UP JOURNALISTS AND
POLITICAL OPPONENTS, HE CAN NAME
ALL THREE BRANCHES OF
GOVERNMENT.
HE IS WITHIN THE NORMAL
PARAMETERS OF REPUBLICAN OFFAL.
HE IS NOT THE HEAD OF A CRIME
FAMILY, HE DOES NOT SEE THINGS
THAT DON'T EXIST IF YOU DON'T
COUNT JESUS.
HE DOESN'T WANT TO DESTROY
GOVERNMENT FROM WITHIN.
SCOTT PRUITT WAS ESSENTIALLY THE
HEAD OF THE POLLUTION PROTECTION
AGENCY.
BESIDES BEING THE GREATEST SCAM
ARTIST I HAVE EVER SEEN, I
REALLY THINK SCOTT PRUITT MIGHT
BE THREE RACCOONS UNDER A
TRENCHCOAT.
IT MIGHT NOT EVEN BE A HUMAN.
BESIDES THAT, HE WAS A COAL
LOBBYIST AS THE HEAD OF THE EPA,
THE ATTORNEY GENERAL IS A
CONFEDERATE SOLDIER.
THE SECRETARY OF EDUCATION IS
MENTALLY CHALLENGED.
RICK PERRY --
TEXAS PEOPLE, YOU'RE VERY PROUD,
I CAN SEE.
RICK PERRY RAN FOR PRESIDENT IN
2012 ON A PLATFORM OF HE WANTED
TO ELIMINATE THREE GOVERNMENT
DEPARTMENTS OF WHICH HE COULD
NAME TWO.
I DON'T THINK HE GETS THE CREDIT
HE DESERVES FOR BEING ABLE TO
NAME ALMOST 67% OF THE
DEPARTMENTS HE HIMSELF WANTED TO
ELIMINATE.
THE ONE HE COULD NOT REMEMBER?
WAS THE DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY
WHICH HE IS NOW THE HEAD OF.
THAT IS SOME PERFORMANCE ART.
THAT IS A SKIP PAST TROLLING,
THAT IS PERFORMANCE ART.
WHEN HE TOOK THE JOB, HE DID NOT
KNOW WHAT THE DEPARTMENT OF
ENERGY DID.
IT'S IN CHARGE OF THE NUCLEAR
WEAPONS, HE DIDN'T KNOW THAT.
THAT'S WHY OBAMA'S SECRETARY OF
ENERGY IT WAS A NOBEL
PRIZE-WINNING PHYSICIST.
RICK PERRY?
THIS IS NOT A JOKE, RICK PERRY
HAS A BA AND ANIMAL HUSBANDRY.
REALLY, HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT A
CENTRIFUGE IS.
BUT HE CAN JERK OFF A HORSE.
REALLY?
THAT GUY?
WHAT CAN I SAY?
DEMOCRATS, WE'VE JUST GOT TO WIN
WIN.
WE CAN'T BLOW ANYMORE ELECTIONS.
NEXT TIME A LITTLE MORE ABOUT
WERE GOING TO BRING YOUR JOBS
BACK AND A LITTLE LESS ABOUT
WERE GOING TO MAKE YOU PEE NEXT
TO A GUY IN A DRESS, NOT THAT I
CARE.
I'M TOTALLY ON THE PAGE WITH THE
TRANSGENDER, I DOWN WITH YOU
GUYS.
I GET IT, SOMETIMES THE
EQUIPMENT DOESN'T MATCH THE
GENDER.
IT'S COUNTERINTUITIVE BUT
SOMETIMES YOU FEEL LIKE A NUT
AND SOMETIMES YOU DON'T.
I GET IT.
BUT I ALSO KNOW NORMAL WOMEN
WHEN I GO TO THE BATHROOM, IT'S
AN INTIMATE PLACE, I WANT TO
KNOW IF THERE'S A PENIS ON DECK.
I'M TALKING ABOUT WOMEN WITH
VAGINAS, OLD SCHOOL.
WOMEN CLASSIC, I CALL THEM.
IF ANY OF YOU LADIES STILL HAVE
YOUR ORIGINAL VAGINAS, HANG ONTO
THOSE THINGS, THEY ARE GOING TO
BE VALUABLE SOMEDAY.
HANG ONTO ANYTHING LONG ENOUGH
AND IT WILL COME BACK IN STYLE.
TRUMP WON THAT ELECTION ON JOBS,
OF COURSE HE WAS LYING BECAUSE
HIS MOUTH WAS MOVING AND THERE
WASN'T MEAT IN IT.
THAT WAS THE WHOLE THING,
MEXICANS ARE STEALING YOUR JOB.
MEXICANS ARE NOT STEALING YOUR
JOBS, ROBOTS ARE STEALING YOUR
JOBS.
AND IF THEY EVER COME UP WITH A
MEXICAN ROBOT, WE ARE REALLY
FUCKED.
WHOEVER TOLD THESE "REAL
AMERICANS" THAT THE GOVERNMENT
WAS AN EMPLOYMENT AGENCY ANYWAY?
THERE'S NO MORE GIGS FOR LIFE.
THOSE DAYS ARE OVER.
THE ONLY GIGS FOR LIFE, POPE, 6A
FLIGHT ATTENDANT ON ANY MAJOR
AIRLINE.
THOSE GIRLS ARE OLD.
THEY CALL ME SUNNY.
THERE IS SOME SENIORITY SYSTEM
GOING ON THAT UNITED AIRLINES,
I'M ALWAYS LIKE CAN I GET A HOT
TOWEL WHEN YOU WAKE UP FROM YOUR
NAP?
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
IN MY VIEW, AMERICA DOESN'T EVEN
HAVE THE ISSUE WE SPENT SO MUCH
TIME ON, WE DON'T EVEN HAVE AN
IMMIGRATION PROBLEM.
WE HAVE A "MY LIFE DIDN'T TURN
OUT THE WAY I WANT IT TO SO I
BLAME OTHER PEOPLE" PROBLEM.
THAT WE HAVE.
THE GREATEST CON THE REPUBLICANS
EVER PULLED ON WORKING-CLASS
AMERICANS WAS CONVINCING THEM
THAT IT WAS THE IMMIGRANTS AND
THE SINGLE MOM WHO ARE BLOCKING
THEIR WAY TO THE AMERICAN DREAM.
REMEMBER THE TAKERS?
THE PEOPLE WHO DON'T PAY ANY
INCOME TAX, THAT'S WHO HAS ALL
THE MONEY, THE PEOPLE WITH NO
MONEY!
THE PEOPLE WHO USE THEIR FOOD
STAMPS TO BUY DRUGS, I LOVE THAT
ONE, THAT ALWAYS MAKES ME LAUGH
BECAUSE I KNOW THAT ONE FROM
BOTH SIDES.
I HAVE BEEN POOR AND I HAVE BEEN
A DRUG DEALER.
WE DON'T TAKE FOOD STAMPS.
WE DON'T MEAN ANYTHING BY IT,
THAT'S JUST OUR POLICY AND I
DON'T THINK IT'S CHANGED.
AMERICA AS YOU WELL KNOW HAS
ZERO TOLERANCE FOR DRUGS AND
INFINITY TOLERANCE FOR GUNS.
I KNOW I'M IN OKLAHOMA SO I'M
GOING TO COVER MYSELF RIGHT
AWAY, AND SAY I AM A GUN OWNER,
I'M JUST NOT A GUN LOVER.
OKAY?
I DON'T TAKE PICTURES WITH IT, I
DON'T POLISH IT.
I DON'T ANSWER THE DOOR WITH IT.
I DON'T TAKE IT ON DATES TO
CHIPOTLE.
COME ON, HONEY, I'M GOING TO
SHOW YOU OFF TO THE FELLAS AT
HOME DEPOT.
THAT'S ONE OF THE BIG PROBLEMS
IS PSYCHOLOGICAL WITH GUNS.
WE LOVE THEM TOO MUCH.
EVERY YEAR, SOMEBODY -- THEY
KEEP A REGISTRY OF THE NAMES
THAT PARENTS ARE GIVING THEIR
NEWBORNS AND IN THE LAST FIVE
YEARS, PARENTS HAVE BEEN NAMING
KIDS GUN NAMES.
THEY'VE BEEN NAMING KIDS THINGS
LIKE PISTOL, SHOOTER, MAGNUM,
REMINGTON -- THIS IS SICK,
LIBERALS DON'T DO THIS, LIBERALS
DON'T NAME THEIR KIDS PREVIOUS
AND JUICER.
YOU KNOW MY BOY KALE, DON'T YOU?
HE'S A STRAPPING YOUNG LAD.
BUT HONESTLY WE DON'T EVER HAVE
A LOT OF MOVEMENT ON THE GUN
ISSUE BECAUSE WE DON'T HAVE AN
ANTIGUN PARTY WE HAVE
REPUBLICANS WHO LOVE GUNS AND
DEMOCRATS LOVE THEM SLIGHTLY
LESS.
EVERY DEBATE BEGINS WITH AT
LEAST WE CAN ALL AGREE WE NEED
SOME GUNS TO GO OUT IN THE WOODS
AND MORTAR ANIMALS.
BECAUSE WE ARE SPORTSMEN.
ARE YOU?
ARE YOU REALLY?
IS IT A SPORT IF ONE TEAM
DOESN'T KNOW THE GAME IS GOING
ON?
I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S A SPORT.
YOU SAW THAT ASSHOLE WITH A
GIRAFFE A COUPLE DAYS AGO, DID
YOU WANT TO STRANGLE HER?
THESE AFRICAN COUNTRIES, THEY
WILL SELL PERMITS TO GO AND
SHOOT THESE MAJESTIC ENDANGERED
BEASTS AND YOU KNOW WHAT THE
EXCUSES?
THEY SAY WE ALLOW YOU TO SHOOT
THESE ANIMALS BUT ONLY THE
OLDER, NONREADING MALES.
I TAKE THIS VERY PERSONALLY.
I DON'T THINK THIS IS A SLIPPERY
SLOPE THAT WE WANT TO GO DOWN.
I THINK THOSE ARE THE MOST
CONTRIBUTING PEOPLE IN SOCIETY
AND BEYOND THAT I HAVE TO SAY,
TURNING 60 IS -- WAS HARD ENOUGH
ENOUGH.
FIRST OF ALL WHEN I'M DRIVING TO
WORK AND I'M LOOKING FOR IT NOW,
I NEVER SEE PEOPLE MY AGE OUT.
IS THAT GUY?
NO.
WERE THEY ALL RAPTURE?
WERE ALLOWED TO BE OUT AT 60.
THE ONLY PLACE I SEE PEOPLE MY
AGE ARE IN CIALIS COMMERCIALS.
WHICH I THINK ARE VERY OBNOXIOUS
BECAUSE IT'S ALL THIS PRESSURE.
WILL YOU BE READY?
"WILL BE READY?
POST QUOTE NO WONDER GUYS HAVE
HEART ATTACKS AT 49, THEY HAVE
TO WORRY IF THE RAPTURE COMES,
THEY HAVE TO WORRY IF I HAVE A
HARD ON.
IF ONE OF THE RAPTURE COMES
WHILE I'M FUCKING YOU?
THEY WILL NEVER TAKE ME IF I'M
BALLS DEEP IN YOU.
THAT SMARMY VOICE OVER, ONE LOOK
CAN TURN THE ORDINARY INTO
SOMETHING MORE.
AFTER ALL THESE YEARS OF
MARRIAGE, ONE LOOK?
YES, SO BE READY, HAVE WOULD TO,
OKAY.
TAKE THE FOUR OUR PILL, NOW THEY
HAVE VIAGRA FOR EVERYDAY USE.
JUST KEEP IT HARD, SHE WILL LET
YOU KNOW, SHE WILL GIVE YOU THE
LOOK.
YOU CAN SEE THIS IN THE
COMMERCIAL BECAUSE THEY NEVER
JUST GET RIGHT TO BONING, THEY
DO STROLLING AND SON EGG AND
SHOPPING AND CANOODLING.
IS IT THIS MUCH WORK TO FUCK
YOUR OWN WIFE?
I'M SORRY I NEVER GOT ON BOARD
WITH THAT.
I SWEAR TO GOD THAT THERE'S ONE
WHERE THE COUPLE IS PUTTING THE
FINISHING TOUCHES ON A BIRDHOUSE
TOGETHER.
THERE LIKE "OH, IT'S ON."
AS SOON AS WE FINISH THIS
BIRDHOUSE.
I THINK I JUST GOT -- IS THAT
NOT THE LOOK?
I'M GONNA FUCK THE WHOLE IN THIS
BIRDHOUSE IN A MINUTE.
I AM NOT AGAINST MARRIAGE, I
HAVE NOT.
I'M AGAINST MARRIAGE FOR ME BUT
THIS IS A VERY PERSONAL ISSUE, I
GET IT.
SOME PEOPLE WOULD BE LOST
WITHOUT THEIR SPOUSE, I KNOW
GUYS WHO HATE IT WHEN THEIR WIFE
IS OUT OF TOWN.
ONE GUY, OKAY.
YOU HAD TO BUST ME ON THAT SO
QUICKLY?
ONE GUY, BUT HE'S SINCERE ABOUT
IT.
THERE IS THIS MEME, IS THIS A
MEAN?
I THINK THIS IS A MEAN, HAPPY
WIFE, HAPPY LIFE.
IT SOUNDS SO SWEET BUT IT'S
REALLY A THREAT.
THAT'S A NICE LIFE YOU GOT
THERE, SHAME IF ANYTHING WERE TO
HAPPEN TO IT.
SO I THINK YOU DO WANT TO GO TO
THE STORE AND PICK UP THOSE
ITEMS, I THOUGHT YOU DID.
THE OTHER MARRIAGE CLICHE I
LOVE, CELEBRITIES LOVE TO SAY
IT, WHAT'S THE SECRET TO YOUR
MARRIAGE?
THE GUY ALWAYS SAYS SHE KEEPS ME
GROUNDED.
I WAS DOING ALL OF THIS SOARING,
LUCKILY I GOT THIS BITCH TO
REMIND ME THAT I'M NOT ALL THAT,
SO THAT'S GREAT.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU SAW A COUPLE
YEARS AGO OUR FRIENDS AT PFIZER
CAME OUT WITH LADY VIAGRA THAT
WOULD EVEN THINGS OUT WHICH IS
SILLY ON A NUMBER OF LEVELS.
FIRST OF ALL, EVEN THINGS OUT,
WOMEN AS WE ALL KNOW HAVE GOTTEN
A RAW DEAL THROUGHOUT HISTORY IN
ALMOST EVERY CIVILIZATION
INCLUDING UP UNTIL TODAY, THE
ONE AREA WHERE THEY GOT LUCKY
AND DON'T NEED EVENING OUT WAS
SEX.
MULTIPLE ORGASMS, YOU WIN.
YOU HAVE A MACHINE GUN, WE HAVE
A MUSKET.
DON'T EVEN ASK ABOUT TRYING TO
RELOAD THAT THING.
WITH THE POWDER AND THE...
HAVE THE TIME IT BLOWS UP IN
YOUR FACE.
NOT JUST MULTIPLE ORGASMS,
MULTIPLE ZONES.
WOMEN HAVE A VAGINA, AND A CLIT,
AND A G SPOT, THE G SPOT?
THEY ONLY FOUND IT DID 1985,
THAT'S HOW COMPLICATED WOMEN
ARE, THEY'RE STILL DISCOVERING
SHIT IN THE 80s.
IF THEY CAME TO ME IN 1985 AND
SAID "WE'VE DETECTED A THIRD
BALL THAT I THINK...
"I'M SURE WHEN I WAS TAKING OFF
THAT LIST OF EROGENOUS ZONES I'M
SURE AT LEAST SOME OF YOU OUT
THERE WERE SAYING COME ON, WHAT
ABOUT THE ASSHOLE?
WE TALKED ABOUT HIM THE WHOLE
FIRST HALF OF THE SHOW.
IS NOT ALL ABOUT YOU,
DONALD TRUMP.
THIS IS ABOUT ME.
I MUST SAY, I ACTUALLY LIKE THIS
AGE.
FIRST OF ALL, I THOUGHT WHEN YOU
GOT TO THIS AGE IT WAS ALL ABOUT
A BUCKET LIST.
I HAVE NO BUCKET LIST.
NOT THAT I'VE DONE ANYTHING,
I'VE DONE A LOT OF THIS BECAUSE
I LIKE THIS.
ANYTHING I HAVEN'T DONE, I COULD
GIVE A FUCK.
I NEVER WENT SKIING, GOOD.
IT'S COLD AND I DIDN'T DIE ON
THE TREE, FANTASTIC.
I NEVER TOOK A DANGEROUS
VACATION TO SOME DUSTY PLACE
WHERE PEOPLE COULD TAKE A
CHICKEN ON A BUS, GOOD.
I'VE NEVER SEEN BREAKING BAD.
BUT I'M OTHERWISE A GOOD PERSON.
ALSO, I HAVE NEVER TO THE BEST
OF MY KNOWLEDGE I HAVE NEVER
FUCKED A REPUBLICAN.
TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE.
I DON'T MIND FUCKING YOUR BRAINS
OUT, I'M NOT GOING TO FUCK THEM
IN.
OF COURSE, THE BIG ONE, I NEVER
HAD CHILDREN, THAT'S A PERSONAL
CHOICE.
IT'S PERSONAL, THERE IS NO MORAL
DIMENSION TO IT, ICED, I GET IT,
PEOPLE STILL LIKE CHILDREN
THEY ARE VERY POPULAR.
JUST DON'T DEPUTIZE ME IN YOUR
BATTLE WITH PARENTING.
IF I DO A DRUG JOKE I DON'T WANT
TO GIVE MESSAGES FROM PEOPLE
YOU'RE GIVING A BAD MESSAGE TO
CHILDREN.
FIRST OF ALL, FUCK CHILDREN.
WE DIDN'T USE TO ORGANIZE OUR
LIVES ON WHAT CHILDREN MIGHT GET
INTO.
I FULLY ENDORSE YOU KEEPING ME
AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE SMARTER
THAN THEM, KEEP YOUR GUNS AND/OR
DRUGS AND YOUR SEX TOYS AND BILL
MAHER AWAY FROM YOUR CHILDREN.
I HAVE SET UP MY LIFE IN SUCH A
WAY THAT I NEVER HAVE TO TALK TO
OR IN ANY WAY INTERACT WITH A
CHILD.
BUT WHAT I OCCASIONALLY SEE OF
IT LOOKS LIKE A NIGHTMARE.
WHERE DID PARENTS GET THIS IDEA
THEY HAVE TO NEGOTIATE WITH
THEIR KIDS ABOUT EVERYTHING?
I ALWAYS SEE "HEY BUDDY."
YOU'RE READY TO GO?
HOW ABOUT TO GET IN FUCKING CAR?
ALSO, EVERY PARENT I KNOW IS
ALWAYS SICK, SNIFFLING, COLD,
FLU, YEAH, BECAUSE OF KIDS.
THEY BRING DISEASE, THEY BRING
DRUGS, THEIR RAPISTS, AND SOME I
ASSUME ARE GOOD PEOPLE.
I WAS A FREE RANGE CHILD.
WE GREW UP ON TAP WATER,
BALONEY, AND RED DYE NUMBER TWO
SEAT BELTS WERE COMPLETELY
OPTIONAL, HELMETS, LET'S SAY THE
KIDS WHO WORE HELMETS WENT TO A
DIFFERENT SCHOOL.
AND I AM SO GLAD FOR MY "LEAVE
IT TO BEAVER" UPBRINGING.
I'M GLAD WHEN I WAS A KID THERE
WAS NO PORN ON THE PHONE.
NO WONDER THE KIDS ARE FUCKED
UP.
ALL OF MY FORMATIVE YEARS, ALL
OF THE MASTURBATION TOOK PLACE
WITHOUT ANY VISUAL AID
WHATSOEVER.
I HAD I DREAM OF JEANNIE ONCE A
WEEK AND A LITTLE ADDED MY
SISTER'S TEEN BEAT MAGAZINE TO
INCREASE YOUR BUST SIZE, ALL OF
MY EARLY WHACK --
I DID IT AGAIN.
ALL OF MY EARLY WHACK AND WAS IN
THE DARK UNDER THE COVERS IN MY
MIND.
SCENARIOS, IMAGES, MEMORIES,
THAT'S WHAT MADE ME THE MAN I AM
TODAY.
I READ ALL OF THESE REVELATIONS
THAT COME OUT FROM THE
STUFF AND I'M LIKE I MUST HAVE
GROWN UP IN THE LAND THAT TIME
FORGOT.
EVEN IN MY FANTASIES I SWEAR TO
GOD, THERE'S NO WEIRDNESS.
EVEN IN MY FANTASY, I DON'T WANT
TO FUCK ANYBODY IN THE ASS.
THAT'S WHERE THE SHIT COMES OUT,
ARE YOU PEOPLE NUTS?
I DON'T WANT TO PLAY IN YOUR
ASS, I DON'T WANT TO PLAY IN
YOUR FEET, I DON'T WANT TO COME
ON YOUR FACE, I DON'T WANT TO
CHOKE YOU.
SHE CAN'T BREATHE, SEXY.
WHAT'S?
I DON'T WANT TO ROLE-PLAY, I
DON'T WANT TO DRESS UP AS A
MONEY.
DOESN'T ANYBODY JUST FUCK
ANYMORE?
I HAVE HAD THE SAME BASIC
FANTASY SINCE I WAS 11 YEARS
OLD.
A SUPER HOT CHICK LOVES ME AND I
MEAN FUCKING LOVES ME AND MY
DICK IS LIKE CRACK TO HER, THE
END.
THAT'S IT.
WHEN I LOST MY VIRGINITY AT THE
AGE OF 16 AND 1972, THEY HAD NOT
YET INVENTED THE SHAVEN PUSSY.
I WAS TELLING THIS RECENTLY TO
THIS MILLENNIAL KID AND IT BLEW
HIS MIND.
I SHOULD'VE GIVEN A TRIGGER
WARNING.
IT BLEW HIS MIND, HE'S LIKE
THAT'S AMAZING BECAUSE LOSING
YOUR VIRGINITY IS CONFUSING
ENOUGH AS IT IS.
I WAS LIKE TELL ME ABOUT IT, I
REMEMBER LOOKING DOWN IT WAS
LIKE -- IT LOOKED LIKE A BEETLE
WIG.
I REMEMBER THINKING I KNOW
WHAT'S AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE.
THAT'S WHAT I SAY ABOUT AMERICA.
AND OUR GREATNESS.
I KNOW IT'S AROUND HERE
SOMEWHERE AND WE ARE GOING TO
FIND IT AGAIN.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, YOU WERE AN
AMAZING CROWD.
WERE GOING TO FIND IT AGAIN,
WERE GOING TO VOTE, WE'RE GOING
TO FOCUS AND WERE GOING TO STICK
TOGETHER.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, THANK YOU,
TULSA.
♪ ♪